Frosty Llama: May 2010

But first, a story:

About two weeks ago I was going for nice, quiet, relaxing run down the ditch road behind my parent's house. As I was trotting along, a goose family appeared out of nowhere about twenty yards ahead of me; two big parental units and about seven awkward fuzz ball children. This caused me to hesitate a bit, for I've heard how aggressive geese can be when offspring are involved. There was a row of trees to my left and a canal full of rushing cow shit water to my right. In other words, no escape. Awesome.

I decided to keep pressing forward, which is my usual reaction when I encounter potentially hostile wildlife on my runs (if you are unaware of the other event I am referring to, ask me about it the next time you see me). I attempted to not appear threatening by avoiding eye contact with the geese. While this approach works well for deterring interaction with those annoying people with clipboards on the street who want to take a brief moment out of your day to get your opinion on how to alleviate child hunger or some other shit that makes you feel guilty, it does not work so great on water fowl. I made it past the family without incident, minus Momma and Pappa Goose hissing and flapping their wings vehemently at me. I thought I was home free.

You know when you can feel someone's presence behind you, even though you can't see them? About ten feet past the goose family, I got that feeling. I glanced behind me and there was Momma Goose, flying right behind my right shoulder. FLYING. She immediately attached herself to my arm via her beak, and I immediately yelped and started sprinting. I flung my torso and right arm across my body, hoping to dislodge the very pissed off goose. This had no effect on her what-so-ever. My next instant reaction was to reach back with my right arm, grab her neck and throw her off of me. I never thought I would experience having my hand fully grasp another creature's neck. This technique worked extremely well; remember that if you ever find yourself in the clutches of a goose intent on eating your arm. It was an intense five seconds of yelping, sprinting, flapping and honking. I was left with a bruise and broken skin. Through a long sleeved T-shirt.

I ran the last mile home faster than I think I ever have. If you are ever having issues with motivation during the end of your run, just get attacked by wildlife. I would win any race with a goose and bear obstacle course.

Also, this all happened behind a row of houses. I really hope someone looked out their back window to see some random girl being assaulted by a goose. Watching a stranger be the victim of wrong place, wrong time with a goose family would make my whole day. Actually, probably my whole week.

Now to the real news of my life. I am currently sitting in a basement in Fort Collins, Colorado. That's right, I have moved AGAIN. Some people take vacations every few months to get away; I just move. I'm hanging out here this summer to play on the Colorado Force, a team in the W-League. Hopefully this experience will allow me to divorce soccer for good. I mainly just want to prove to myself that just because you're from po-dunk Iderho and played soccer at a small Division II school doesn't mean you can't play the game at a high level. So that's what I am doing, dammit.

I honestly don't know how much I will be playing, but here's my schedule anyway: CLICK You can sleep in my basement if you come to a home game. That's right, I am living in a basement again. Fort Collins is a kick ass town, so I encourage everyone to come visit. I'll take you on a run and find some sort of wildlife for us to be chased by. Deal?

That is all for now, children.