The Definitive Guide to Traversing Wyoming via Automobile

Borrowed from: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2072/1800587665_5725046835.jpg

For the past several years I have been making a habit out of driving repeatedly across Wyoming. Typically, it is north-south on I-25 and I-90, which conveniently connects Billings to Cheyenne and Fort Collins. I have driven this route three times in the past four weeks. I feel that these experiences qualify me as an expert on interstate travel in the grand state of Wyoming. Let me enlighten you with my discoveries and knowledge of piloting a small fiberglass and steel craft at speeds of up to 90 mph...kidding, Mother. Mostly.

The bane of every driver's existence is the police. Pigs. Po po's. Big Blue Machine. The Fuzz. Dicks. Whatever you want to call them. People employ all sorts of tactics to avoid being pulled over by a man with a gun and a sense of righteousness. One tactic that is hardly ever used but works every time is not speeding. Weird. I have problems with this one, as do most people. According to my grandmother, who is very informed about many issues, such as finances, the state of the pine beetle in the West, proper amount of fiber intake and how to not get caught speeding in Wyoming, you will not get pulled over if you go only four miles over the speed limit. But cross that magical threshold and BAM! You get a ticket, sucker, thanks for your business. This directive comes from the governor himself, who happens to live next door to my grandma, so I am assuming she got this info directly from the source. You may be safe from being ticketed by only going five over in other states; however, in Wyoming they decided to prey on the uninformed and unsuspecting out of staters.

I have noticed a pattern with the highway patrol: if you don't see one within an hour or so of being in Wyoming, then you are good to punch it. If you do see a copper within an hour of being in Wyoming, you will see about fifteen more. They swarm an area in their dark chariots of destruction and corruption like Satanic locusts of death. And don't let the sense of security provided by the median fool you into thinking that if they're going the other way, they won't notice you blasting through the sound barrier in your mini van with huge flame decals on the side. I have seen cops flip a bitch right through the median to nail someone going the other way. I have also seen a mini van with huge flame decals on the side. Being driven by a middle aged woman. Who apparently gave into her eleven year old son's demands of transforming her Dodge Caravan into a badass Hot Wheels racer. Oh Wyoming.

Speaking of using the median as a U-turn lane, this practice is also acceptable for civilian drivers. If you miss your exit, forgot something at home, or totally blew by the off ramp that connects I-90 and I-25, simply turn around. Make sure to check for potential hazards, such as a car coming the other way. If it's clear, go for it. No one gives a shit, it's Wyoming.

Wyoming State Troopers also like to hang out at the bottom of hills in the dark, just waiting for someone to come flying down the hill with their cruise control off and stereo cranked up, leading to a temporary increase of speed. I do not recommend getting so into your music that you unconsciously stomp on the gas pedal. Because that causes you to break the four mph over the limit rule and allow some asshole cop to take advantage of your situation. And spotlight you in the face. And give you a ticket. And make you say 'FUCK!' really loudly. No, I am not speaking from personal experience.

I am pretty sure that the lady who worked at the Loaf 'N Jug (what the hell is this supposed to mean? Worst gas station name ever, after 'Kum & Go', which I lovingly call Jizz & Jet) in Casper thought I actually lived in Casper. She was in there every time I stopped. EVERY TIME. Apparently she is the one who lives at that gas station, not me. She had blonde hair, kinda buggy eyes and was way too happy to be working at a gas station. If you stop in Casper for gas, tell her hello for me and act awkward.

When it comes down to it, driving through Wyoming really isn't that bad. No traffic EVER, bits of scenery here and there, almost impossible to get lost and the road is fairly straight. They even painted lines on the road! I look forward to many more successful cross country trips in the White Rocket and wish everyone else well in their burning of petrol chemicals for pleasure endeavors.

The Taxman

All I have to say is that filing taxes when you have had six jobs in three different states over the course of the past 12 months is a serious pain in the ass. Especially when you're helpless and have your mother do it for you. Why does everything have to so complicated? Maybe if our government spent less money on ridiculous systems for doing everything and kept it simple we would actually be in the black as a nation FOR ONCE. I don't like the fact that I owe China about $30,000 because the people in charge don't have their shit together. It's a good thing us Americans continue to buy all of China's cheap, plastic crap so they have a reason to not cash in on what our government owes them.

ANYWAY.

This is where my rant ends because I could go on forever.

I took not just one, but TWO showers today!

Historical day in the life of Sara Gress: I took two showers today. That's right, the person who struggles to find the motivation to jump underneath a stream of cleansing water after a really sweaty workout somehow found the time and willpower to take two of them in a 24 hour period. What is this?! Am I growing up and becoming more hygenic?

Maybe...or maybe because it was cold outside and taking a shower warmed me up after running around outside on two separate occasions today. I'm going to go with option two. So don't worry, I am still a disgusting dirty kid who forgets to shower if I don't workout. I got sick once a few years ago, sick enough all I did for five days was go to work and sleep. I just felt like shit. Obviously, I didn't break a sweat at all. On day five, I got a wiff of myself and thought 'God, I smell like a pubescent boy...ohhhhhh yeah, I've totally forgotten to shower for almost a week.' It didn't even occur to me to take a shower, since being all sweaty after a workout is the only catalyst that makes my brain register that a shower is needed. Ha...oh man. I am gross.

But I am not alone in this basking in your own nastiness habit. The eleven of us freshman on the team living in the dorms back in the day definitely takes the dirty kid cake as a group. I remember during spring season, which by the way, fucking blows, especially your first spring, we had all taken an afternoon nap. That was one of the few times we could actually get some quality sleep in, because we had 6:30am running and then 10-11pm practice that night. Long ass day. And after playing soccer that intensely that late at night, we could never fall asleep until about 3am every night. And then class the next morning, yay!

So back to my story, we had all just woken up from a nap after classes and were headed down the cafeteria for some food. This was probably around 1pm. After just waking up and not having showered after running that morning, we all looked AWESOME. I mean, like, totally put together, matching clothes, hair done, no bags under the eyes, totally coherent, and smelling good. Right. We all get on the elevator (don't judge, those dorm stairs were scary) and some other girl from our floor gets on, too. The doors shut, she looks us all over and says 'Did you guys just wake up?' in this completely prissy, judgmental, righteous voice. Her face had 'oh. my. god. like, how can you even look like that' written all over it. BITCH. She was all done up...who the hell was she trying to impress at MSUB, of all places? We all gave her a death stare, and said 'Yeah, actually, we did'. Commence awkward silence. Accompanied by our smell. Whenever I saw that girl for the next four years, I instantly judged her on what she was wearing. Just out of spite. That's right, silent revenge.

I realize that story probably isn't funny at all for anyone who wasn't there. I don't care, I like it and this is my blog, dammit.

Anyway, my March is going to be full of driving across Wyoming. Last weekend I visited my grandma in Cheyenne and Lucie in Fort Collins. This weekend I am flying back to Boise. The next weekend I am going to Fort Collins for tryouts and then the next weekend after that I am driving back to Fort Collins AGAIN for Lucie's going away party. In other words, I will be keeping that gas station in Casper that I always stop at in business. And I will get to view the glorious scenery that is eastern Wyoming repeatedly. Yes!

I really have nothing exciting to talk about. But thanks for reading my word vomit anyway.

Offical Posting

I just posted a more official sounding blog post on the MSUB WS Blog. Look: http://msubws.blogspot.com/
I can be serious. When I have to be.

Things that make me want to punch someone in the throat

1) That smacking noise people's mouths make when they chew with their mouth open.

2) Constipation

3) Billings' drivers who consistently drive at least 5 mph under the speed limit, brake when a car is pulling out a half a mile away, slow down to go through green lights, and cut you off when there is no one behind you and proceed to go slower than a paraplegic sloth.

4) Billings' drivers who have no idea what a bike is and how to deal with them on the road. I am not a pedestrian, I am a bike and the law says you have to treat me like I am just any other car on the road. So don't wave me on at 4-way stops, pass me when there is no room and slam on the brakes at the stop light we were 20 yards from when you passed me. Asshole.

5) Billings' drivers.

6) That noise jugs make when they are full and you're pouring whatever is in them out and it goes 'glug glug glug' and splashes everywhere. Dammit I really hate that.

7) Holding a conversation with someone who just waits for their turn to talk instead of actually listening. This happens daily.

8) When W-League teams schedule tryouts and then decide to move the dates when you have non-refundable plane tickets to attend tryouts. Get your shit together and take other people's lives and finances into consideration, please.

9) When Facebook chat clogs up your browser and turns what should be a simple conversation into a ridiculously frustrating task. Typing a sentence should not take five minutes and make it impossible to use your browser for anything else.

10) Listening to someone chew.

Poop and News

Poop is one of my favorite conversation subjects. Especially at dinner, while ingesting food that will become the next topic of conversation several hours later. I feel like poop has been the theme of the past week. Shocking. And that is not necessarily a good thing.

The first poop related incident was a text from my mother. Randomly one afternoon I receive this: "You would've been so impressed at the size of the poop that just came out of a 5 year old at work! Holy crap!" Thanks for thinking of me and immediately texting me after witnessing a bowel shaking event. We're such a close family. That was my first thought. My second thought was what the hell is a 5 year old doing at work? My mom works in a tax office during tax season. Odd...turns out it was a co-worker's kid. Somehow my mom had to be pseudo-mother for the kid while she dispensed of the last 7 days worth of meals. I can't wait to have a job where a 5 year old taking a huge shit is the highlight of my day.

Second poopy event: the dogs shitting all over the house. The Baum's were out of town all weekend and I was barely home, which left Chip and Libby the opportunity to poop EVERYWHERE. Awesome! I am really great at using a steam cleaner now. I have no idea how they poop that much. I am fairly positive the piles were larger than what should be physically possible according to how much they eat. I thought I was a generator of a large amount of poo. I've been beaten by two labs. Dammit.

I am not surprised that it only took me four entries to dedicate one almost entirely to poop. I am so predictable and mature.

Total change of subject. I have some news. I came back to Billings with the intent to gain college coaching experience and train with the team for tryouts. When I arrived in Billings, I had zero tryouts set up. But now I do! Whoop. I am trying out for the Buffalo Flash of Buffalo, New York March 5 - 7 and the Colorado Force of Fort Collins, Colorado March 20 - 21. If neither of those work out, I will pull something else out of my ass.

But Buffalo, NY? What?! Yeah, I know, random as hell. I was cruising around the internet back in December, checking out W-League teams and filling out some prospective player forms. I had actually completely forgotten that I had contacted the Flash. I did it because why the hell not? I've never been to New York or to the East that much. Why not go somewhere totally new? Somewhere I know no one? I need to break out of the comfort zone that is the West. I've spent my whole life out here and feel like the whole region is my home. I need to burst my happy little bubble. And the Flash also seem to have their shit together. I am all about an organized team after what happened last summer. And there is that.

I have another development that I will not be talking about until it is more concrete. More suspense!

Getting Old

Two instances this past weekend proved to me that I am getting old. Actually, make that three. Dammit.

First, I went skiing. Which is typically something that makes me feel pretty great about myself and the world in general. I've been skiing since I was 4 and I can competently get down black diamonds and cruise through the trees without any fatal crashes. I cannot, however, ski with ease through a terrain park. And the group of friends I went with Saturday are all quality terrain park goers. So I spent more time on my ass attempting rails, boxes and 25 foot jumps than I have since I learned to walk. That's right, I probably fell less actually learning to ski. The highlight of the day was when I fell so hard on my tailbone I peed my pants. I'm pretty sure only older people and pregnant women randomly pee themselves during activity. And don't feel bad about laughing; I laughed after I regained feeling in my ass region and was sure both of my hips weren't dislocated. And don't worry about me having to deal with frozen ski pants, it was the last run of the day. Perfect timing.

I did conquer the baby beginner box in the baby beginner park. I felt even more awesome about this when I saw a 7 year old do the exact same thing, only without hesitation and minus the screams of accomplishment afterward. I also completed a grab (when no one was watching, figures) and did not die after launching myself repeatedly off a 25 foot jump. Wonderful!

Second instance of feeling old: After returning from the bars one night, I came home and immediately checked my laundry. That's right, before I even considered dealing with drunken munchies or falling asleep under the pool table, I retrieved my clothes from the dryer. I did not fold them. So that makes it more ok...right?

And third and final instance. I was over at Don's house for dinner and one of the first things that came out of my mouth was "Did you get new cabinets? They look really great." SON OF BITCH. Did I really just fucking say that? Yeah, yeah I did. Immediately upon releasing those words from my mouth, I felt extremely middle aged and like I was at a dinner party, complete with a two hour discussion about home remodeling. Barf.

I have important news. But right now I have to get ready for work. Suspense!