The Definitive Guide to Traversing Wyoming via Automobile

Borrowed from: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2072/1800587665_5725046835.jpg

For the past several years I have been making a habit out of driving repeatedly across Wyoming. Typically, it is north-south on I-25 and I-90, which conveniently connects Billings to Cheyenne and Fort Collins. I have driven this route three times in the past four weeks. I feel that these experiences qualify me as an expert on interstate travel in the grand state of Wyoming. Let me enlighten you with my discoveries and knowledge of piloting a small fiberglass and steel craft at speeds of up to 90 mph...kidding, Mother. Mostly.

The bane of every driver's existence is the police. Pigs. Po po's. Big Blue Machine. The Fuzz. Dicks. Whatever you want to call them. People employ all sorts of tactics to avoid being pulled over by a man with a gun and a sense of righteousness. One tactic that is hardly ever used but works every time is not speeding. Weird. I have problems with this one, as do most people. According to my grandmother, who is very informed about many issues, such as finances, the state of the pine beetle in the West, proper amount of fiber intake and how to not get caught speeding in Wyoming, you will not get pulled over if you go only four miles over the speed limit. But cross that magical threshold and BAM! You get a ticket, sucker, thanks for your business. This directive comes from the governor himself, who happens to live next door to my grandma, so I am assuming she got this info directly from the source. You may be safe from being ticketed by only going five over in other states; however, in Wyoming they decided to prey on the uninformed and unsuspecting out of staters.

I have noticed a pattern with the highway patrol: if you don't see one within an hour or so of being in Wyoming, then you are good to punch it. If you do see a copper within an hour of being in Wyoming, you will see about fifteen more. They swarm an area in their dark chariots of destruction and corruption like Satanic locusts of death. And don't let the sense of security provided by the median fool you into thinking that if they're going the other way, they won't notice you blasting through the sound barrier in your mini van with huge flame decals on the side. I have seen cops flip a bitch right through the median to nail someone going the other way. I have also seen a mini van with huge flame decals on the side. Being driven by a middle aged woman. Who apparently gave into her eleven year old son's demands of transforming her Dodge Caravan into a badass Hot Wheels racer. Oh Wyoming.

Speaking of using the median as a U-turn lane, this practice is also acceptable for civilian drivers. If you miss your exit, forgot something at home, or totally blew by the off ramp that connects I-90 and I-25, simply turn around. Make sure to check for potential hazards, such as a car coming the other way. If it's clear, go for it. No one gives a shit, it's Wyoming.

Wyoming State Troopers also like to hang out at the bottom of hills in the dark, just waiting for someone to come flying down the hill with their cruise control off and stereo cranked up, leading to a temporary increase of speed. I do not recommend getting so into your music that you unconsciously stomp on the gas pedal. Because that causes you to break the four mph over the limit rule and allow some asshole cop to take advantage of your situation. And spotlight you in the face. And give you a ticket. And make you say 'FUCK!' really loudly. No, I am not speaking from personal experience.

I am pretty sure that the lady who worked at the Loaf 'N Jug (what the hell is this supposed to mean? Worst gas station name ever, after 'Kum & Go', which I lovingly call Jizz & Jet) in Casper thought I actually lived in Casper. She was in there every time I stopped. EVERY TIME. Apparently she is the one who lives at that gas station, not me. She had blonde hair, kinda buggy eyes and was way too happy to be working at a gas station. If you stop in Casper for gas, tell her hello for me and act awkward.

When it comes down to it, driving through Wyoming really isn't that bad. No traffic EVER, bits of scenery here and there, almost impossible to get lost and the road is fairly straight. They even painted lines on the road! I look forward to many more successful cross country trips in the White Rocket and wish everyone else well in their burning of petrol chemicals for pleasure endeavors.